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04 January 2013 @ 06:19 pm
my goals for 2013 are to work on overcoming my anxiety, at the very least not letting it rule my life so much. And to regain some passion for my career, which means getting out of this stagnant work place.
26 December 2012 @ 08:55 pm
I'm sorry if I've been a bit inconsistent lately. By that I mean my mood and how available I've made myself. Truthfully I've been struggling the past few months with renewed anxiety and depression. Especially anxiety, I get into these frenzies where I worry and panic over things. I've just started working with a therapist to get this under control. I'm trying to be a better friend, family member, and spouse. I will probably continue to be frustrating and trying at times, but please forgive me in advance, and know that I am working to better myself.

I know this probably wont reach the people who need to read this the most in this form. But I'm not brave enough to put myself out there in a more public way. Also I have meany co workers on fb and this is none of their business.
12 October 2012 @ 10:08 pm
My father-in-law had a heart attack yesterday, the doctors preformed a quadruple bypass, he is now recovering and will likely be fine. My aunt (one who no one was expecting to be sick) almost died last night. She has advanced cirrhosis of the liver and was hemorrhaging. They were having a hard time stopping the bleeding just by tying off the vessels and were considering bypassing the liver entirely but finely managed to get it to work before it came to that. All that time she was bleeding out and there were several points they didn't think she was going to make it. I'm glad they are both okay. However, in both cases this is not something you fully recover from. Quality of life will go down for them and they are both at high risk for further complications.

This aunt is my favorite. She has always been crazy and blunt to a fault, but she is a passionate fun person the be with. I haven't seen her in six years. Sean and I already plan to go to Florida for spring break. I hope she can hold on until then. 

 This makes a total of five family members who have had a sudden down swing in health in the past two months. I feel a bit selfish in saying this because they are the sick ones, they are the ones who suffer; however, its taking its tole on me. 
11 October 2012 @ 02:20 pm
This ordeal with abnormal paps and hpv started in February, so its been about half a year. I'm very happy to say my cervix now has normal cells. I still have to go to the doctor once every six months vs the normal yearly check up. Its possible I'll never have to deal with this again but the it might rear its head. So here's to hopping.  
27 September 2012 @ 10:29 pm
I know its perhaps a bit near sighted, maybe even much more then a bit, but today I felt hopeless. All I could think of was all the death around me past and those who are close to it. I know three people right now who are waiting to die, my cousin, my aunt, and my sister-in-law's father. Who knows when they will die it may even be a few years until it happens but they have all accepted it as a immediate inevitability. What a stagnant state. All of them have been struggling to hold on to the life they once could maintain, and they've given up on even that hope. They must now rely on others do dress, feed, even assist to the restroom. That must be so demoralizing. 

I know I have so much ahead of me. Its just a matter of a small amount of effort everyday and time. However death being a bit of a bedfellow lately, its hard to see optimism in the world. I want something new refreshing. I don't know what that it though. I've been a bit selfish of late. Skipping out on some responsibilities simply because of my mood. When I get home from a day of fighting myself at work, I hardly feel like keeping up the battle at home. But I need to snap out of it. Its not fair to Sean.
21 September 2012 @ 11:20 pm
I didn't want to post much detail on Facebook but I do need to write this out, process it.

Today while I was at work I read an e-mail on my phone from my neighbor that she found a black and white cat between our houses that had met a gruesome end. I hadn't seen Casandra for a few days and strongly suspected it was her. I went to see. She was totally eviscerated and then some. It was clear some animal had enjoyed her for a meal. I could see her skull, spine, and ribs. I had a deep need to confirm it was her. So despite my great repulsion I had to look closer to find some familiar trait. The only thing that was relay intact was her ears, and they were hers.

My cat was old. I've had her since I was eight making her 16 years old at death. She live a long and comfortable life. Since she developed a limp last year and was diagnosed with arthritis I became gradually acceptent of her dying. I was ready to find her body, but I always pictured it intact. Seeing her like that quickly drove me into hysterics. It was made all the harder that their was no one home and Sean was working until 2am. I actually went back to work just to have the comfort of a person in my presence.

I called my mom and cried at her, she told me I should call my brother Toby. I first attempted to respond in e-mail to my neighbor but as I was typing an apology that we had to wait until tomorrow to take care of her I suddenly realized I could not leave her in such a state. At the same time I knew that I could not bear to take care of it myself. I called my sister in law Charity. Being the compassionate sole that she is. I didn't even have to ask of them what I needed. She knew, they rushed here, I played with my nephew while they buried my cat. I am so grateful to them. I do feel a wight lifted knowing she isn't all gore and bare bones like she was.

I loved my cat. Towards the end I admit I thought her mostly a nuisance, it seemed she was becoming senile. But she was there for me when I had no friends. She was a source of unconditional affection which I needed that so badly. I will miss her. I'm so sad she died violently. Mom suggested that its more likely she was already dying and was dead in the ally then an animal found her and made a meal of her. Its a nicer thought then that she was attacked and died in pain. I will never know which it is. And in the end it doesn't matter.

Goodbye Casandra.
28 July 2012 @ 01:34 am
For the past week my mind has been a constant miasma of conflicting emotions that have nothing to do with the external world. I'm so sick of it. Sudden stabs of depression, anxiety, rage, frustration. My moods switch on a dime and I feel no control. I've yet to make an ass of myself but keeping this in check is exhausting. I suppose some good has come of it. I've been exercising like crazy because its the only thing that seems to clear my head. But it comes back too quickly. I feel plagued. I need this to end soon. I'm losing my grip. Its easier to accept my problems and deal with them when they are external. I just think how artificial this must seem to a casual observer. Because it is all in my head. My objective feelings of the situation are all I have. I can't prove that I truly feel miserable, people just have to take me for my word.
09 July 2012 @ 10:19 pm
Right now I'm finding it hard to take any enthusiasm or joy in anything. Maybe this is the feeling that replaces the depression I once felt. Gone are the pricing waves of loneliness that proceeded to despair. I no longer feel stuck in pit. All the things I want for myself are in reach. I couldn't fathom that before. My outlook is miles better for it. But lately I just can't shake a constant feeling of pessimism and apathy. I feel no pride in my work, though the work is good. I feel no satisfaction in helping with my brother's renovation, though I am probably pulling the most weight. I try to remind myself of all the good things I have. I don't have to look hard at all to find them. Yet I means much less to me then it normally does.

Before I would try to reason my depression, give justice the to way I felt. I think it made it worse and spurred it further. I know there is no real reason I feel this way now. I just have to keep doing things and hope the gratification returns to me. Although looking at it from this end feels hopeless. Keep interacting and doing because despite wanting nothing more then to lay down all day, and I always feel worse for it if I do.
03 May 2012 @ 10:51 pm
Had a nice birthday. Frankly I totally forgot it was and meany people had to remind me. I even scheduled myself off work on this day because of it and still forgot. I've been that absorbed with other things. I planned hanging out with Ian, again not remembering the date. He treated me to lunch, we went on a hike, and later Austen joined us for board gaming. Then my parents took me to Bruge and Sean joined us. So no big parties but I was out of the house, I had good food, good beer and company. Also, I got to play a new board game. I don't need wild or large gatherings, half the time such things stress me out anyway. It was a pretty awesome day. :)
25 April 2012 @ 07:53 pm
exhaustion lowed my inhibitions and I perhaps overstepped my bounds at work today but nobody seemed to mind. I have to be extra careful not to do it again because that line has now been crossed and it will be easier for me to do it again now. But it might not be as appreciated.

Basically a couple of younger employees dated for a while and it has now ended sourly and they were fighting. I took them both aside and told them I didn't care what that was about but if they did it again they would be written up. I also corrected a co worker for yelling at them when the fight was happening telling her that "we need to be the adults". I probably would have kept to myself if this wasn't my third twelve hour day in a row with another one coming tomorrow and the day after. This could be dangerous for me. 

I love my new boss. However, I'm a bit nervous. I feel the pressure is on to adjust and try to give him exactly what he wants from catering. If I don't show total competence I'm positive he could bring in somebody who would handle it all just fine, probably better then I am capable of right now. I'm getting restless and I want to move up and improve. I don't want to be stuck working under somebody. Especially because I'm running it all right now, granted, not perfectly but I feel I've made huge strides. I'm ambitious. I want to be good at my job, be respected, and to always improve.